Picture This: 5 Famous People Who’d be Better with Laser Eye Surgery
Some people’s identities appear to be based almost entirely on their glasses. So what would happen if these 5 famous corrective lens wearers ditched the frames and opted for laser eye surgery? Herein, we explore their (surprisingly clear) alternative futures.
1. Elton John
Thanks to his propensity for exuberant eyewear, for most of the 1970′s it was unclear what Elton John actually looked like. Indeed, only through recent advances in computer-aided visualisation have we been able to put together a reasonable approximation of the unadorned John mug. While giving up facial feathers, sequins, and flashing LED’s might put something of a dent in Elton John’s stage performances, eye surgery would allow him to clearly see the ordinary world for the first time. Who knows what oddly grounded musical masterpieces might result.
2. Harry Potter
Nothing is more irritating than confronting the man who murdered your parents only to realize you’ve got a spot of dirt on your right lens. With the aid of laser eye surgery, Mr. Potter would no longer fear the interruption of a bout of dimension-altering wizardry due to a smudged pair of spectacles. Of course, with his newly improved looks, he might have to give up magic and start acting in the nude in respectable theatrical plays. Oh, wait.
3. Bill Gates
After his repeated failure to win the “Mr. Universe” contest, Bill Gates retired from the beauty circuit and invented a multi-billion dollar operating system that helped redefine business in the 21st century. Still, in those small hours at the mansion, he wonders if it was the glasses that kept the judges from seeing his inner beauty. We’d just like to say to you, Bill: don’t give up! Surgical techniques have advanced since those dark days of the 1980s. The title is still yours, if you want it badly enough.
4. Sarah Palin
As many historians have noted, the only stationary thing about Sarah Palin appears to be her glasses. Her mouth, hands, and brain operate independently of conventional adult discourse and, in some cases, the laws of physics. Should Palin be freed from her glasses, she might start seeing reality as it actually is, leading her to abandon her wildly original interpretations of history and politics. But honestly, who would want Sarah Palin to start making sense?
5. Napolean Dynamite
He’s pumped, ready, and extremely nearsighted. Napolean Dynamite doesn’t need your approval: he just needs a boombox and some floor space. With corrective eye surgery, Napolean would have fewer reasons to squint uncomprehendingly at prospective dancing partners, although he might be able to mount a more visually appealing campaign for Pedro. Remember, we should put the needs of others ahead of our own funky, funky selves.